


The Gal Who Didn't Like Musicals

by willowcat33



Series: Ficmas Gifts! [5]
Category: Escape the Night (Web Series), The Guy Who Didn't Like Musicals - Team StarKid
Genre: Aliens, Angst, Comedy, Crossover, F/F, Ficmas, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, Multi, Musicals, happy chrimmas to leah, ive been on this website for what feels like forever and i dont know how to tag still i-, just like the workin boys i am up to my ass in shit right now, okay basically its the guy who didnt like musicals BUT replaced by etn characters, please go watch the original musical it slaps its hilarious ALL THE SONGS ARE BA NGE RS
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-12-20
Updated: 2019-12-22
Packaged: 2021-02-26 01:14:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 5
Words: 10,320
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21875008
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/willowcat33/pseuds/willowcat33
Summary: What if The Guy Who Didn't Like Musicals and Escape The Night got smushed together in my hellbrain? This is what happens!for Ficmas 2019!
Relationships: The Aviator | Alex Wassabi/The Enforcer | DeStorm Power, The Daredevil | Roi Fabito/The Hippie | JC Caylen, The Disco Dancer | Colleen Ballinger/The Investigative Reporter | Safiya Nygaard, The Enforcer | DeStorm Power/The Vaudevillian | Gabbie Hanna, The Mobster | Timothy DeLaGhetto/The Professor | Matt Haag, The Troublemaker | Nikita Dragun/The Aviator | Alex Wassabi, The Troublemaker | Nikita Dragun/The Hollywood Star | Gabbie Hanna, alekita is verrry minor uwu
Series: Ficmas Gifts! [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1213230
Comments: 54
Kudos: 24





	1. The Gal Who Didn't Like Musicals

**Author's Note:**

  * For [canufeelthemagictonight](https://archiveofourown.org/users/canufeelthemagictonight/gifts).

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ficmas gift number two for my dear friend leah!!!!  
> yeah this is,,, an odd crossover but i hope you all enjoy it!
> 
> just to let y'all know: all of the singing will be marked in blocks of italics. Unless something is italics for emphasis, assume its singing. Context clues are key here, my friends!  
> For example:  
> “ _Saf, you piece of shit _” is sung__  
>  “Saf, you piece of shit” is not.

It is a dark and stormy night in the town of Everlock. Many of the citizens find themselves asleep at this hour- and that’s where our story begins. In a void-like dream - the lightning reaches in through the dreamers’ subconsciouses, splitting the inky abyss with a crack of light and noise. The first few bars of a musical echo through the night, and dreaming citizens who will have no memory of this when they wake, begin to appear. They dance into the abyss, swaying and moving, singing to an invisible audience.

“ _The greatest stories ever told,”_ begins a Mr Timothy DeLaGhetto - a successful businessman who runs C.C.R.P Technical in downtown Everlock. “ _Have a hero who must be bold.”_

 _“They learn a sense of right and wrong,”_ he turns as he sings, arms waving fluidly. “ _And better learn this sense through song!”_

Another person starts singing - Gabbie, one of Tim’s employees, who’s stuck in a dying marriage with her cop husband, DeStorm, whilst having an ongoing affair with Nikita, her coworker. “ _Musicals tell the impossible,”_

 _“Impossible!”_ Other townsfolk echo her words back to her.

“ _They evoke the philosophical, yeah!”_ Gabbie’s singing voice is much more powerful than her speaking voice, which is timider in the waking world.

“ _So tonight, we’re gonna chronicle a story so astronomical-”_ adds Nikita, from her place next to Gabbie.

The townsfolk move themselves to be one solid crowd of zombie-like dance moves and singing voices. “ _It’s the last remaining story to tell-”_

 _“The gal who didn’t like musicals!”_ Tim finishes the sentence, grin almost too wide to be anything but unnerving.

“ _Didn’t like, didn’t like, didn’t like-a-like-’em!”_ The town chants in agreement.

“ _I mean, what the fuck?!”_ Tim interjects.

“ _Didn’t like, didn’t like, did not like-a-like-’em!”_

 _“She’s the gal who didn’t like musicals!”_ informs Tim. “ _Yeah, what the fuck?!”_

The group pauses chanting to going back to their swooping zombie dance routine. 

“ _In the tiny town of Everlock,”_ says a small woman named Rosanna, Ro to her friends (of which she would like to think there are many). “ _Lived an awful grinch named Saf!”_

 _“She spends her days surfing the web,”_ agrees Teala, voice filled with bitter anger. “ _And not singing and dancing with us all!”_

 _“Should we kill her? Should we kill her?”_ The townspeople cry, as if not liking musicals makes Safiya a villainous person. They start clomping through the abyss and dabbing as they form a small circle around Colleen, a barista from the (admittedly shitty) downtown coffee shop, Beanie’s.

“ _And she pines after a cute lil’ barista~”_ Colleen sings - whilst she’s unaware of it in real life, she knows full well in this dream that _she_ is the “cute lil’ barista” that Saf pines for. “ _Isn’t that worth a show-stopping fiesta, yeah?”_

 _“But for some damn reason she won’t join our singing season!”_ says Professor Matthew Patrick, an eccentric biologist.

 _“What an ass! What a bitch! What a cuck!”_ says everyone, all synchronised in their anger at Saf.

“ _The gal who didn’t like musicals!”_ repeats Tim, as the town begins their previous chant again. “ _I mean what the fuck?! She’s the gal who didn’t like musicals, na na na na na na”_ he trills at the end, taking his spotlight over the group’s repeated chant.

“ _It’s the end of the world, Saf”_ Tim proclaims dramatically, and his neighbours and friends echo him.

“ _End of the world!”_

_“If you don’t sing…”_

_“If you don’t sing!”_

_“This is the bridge, Saf-”_ adds Teala. “ _Where we globalise everything!”_

Professor Patrick straightens up from his zombie-like hunch.” _And the words will come to you - we swear, we will teach you!”_ he encourages.

“ _What it means to love~”_ the town sings softly before their town rapidly switches back to anger. “ _What it means to obey, Saf!”_

“The apotheosis is upon us!” Tim states, a little too gleefully. The town cheers in excitement. “Did you hear the word?”

“ _What’s the word?”_ people reply.

“ _She’s a-comin’!”_

_“Who’s a-comin’?”_

_“Saf’s a-comin’!”_ they answer themselves delightedly.

_“Saf’s a-comin’? The star of the show!”_

_“Now for her headlining entrance!”_ announces Nikita, with a flourish.

 _“Time to swoon at her leading lady essense~”_ Gabbie and Colleen dramatically flounce across the stage, winking at the same time.

“ _Her name is in the title!”_ Ro and Matt sing as one, reminding whoever’s listening to the abyss that Safiya Nygaard really _is_ the gal who did not like musicals.

“ _She’s destined to go viral!”_ promise Teala and Tim.

“ _Here she is! Her name is Saf! Enter now!”_ They all sing with passion and extend their arms to the edge of the void.

A hushed silence falls on the dream world as nothing appears. Arms still extended, Tim leans close to Ro and whispers in her ear. “Where the _fuck_ is she?”

Ro shrugs awkwardly, leaning into Tim in return. “I have _no_ fucking clue…”

Tim pauses in thought and then shrugs again. “ _The gal just doesn’t like musicals!”_

“ _Didn’t like, didn’t like, didn’t like-a-like-’em! Didn’t like, didn’t like, didn’t like-a-like-’em!”_ The townsfolk continue dancing and singing their chant as if nothing had happened.

“ _She’s the gal who didn’t like musicals!”_ Tim declares over the messy voices of the crowd, all talking over each other. “ _And she definitely won’t like this!”_

“ _Didn’t like, didn’t like, didn’t like-a-like-’em! Didn’t like, didn’t like, didn’t like-a-like-’em!”_

As the town’s chant comes to an end, they all declare Saf a piece of shit one last time, and then everything fades away, back into the inky darkness of a dream they’ll all have forgotten by morning.

-

The next morning, as Saf sits down to her desk jobs, she gets the odd feeling that someone, somewhere, insulted her - she shrugs it off as nothing though and gets on with her work.

Ro leans over to her. “Hey- Saf? I was trying to print something… I think I might have sent it to your printer.”

Saf checks, and sure enough, her colleague has done as much. She hooks the paper out of her tray and hands it over with a smile. “Yup! Just remember, you want to print from the HP _Laserjet,_ not the HP _Inkjet.”_

 _“_ Right, sorry Saf.” Ro looks sheepish as she takes the paper, putting it on her desk.

“It’s fine!” Saf assures her friend, just as Mr DeLaGhetto pops his head round the door to their work area.

“Hey, Safiya, can I get those reports on my desk by the end of the day?” He says, coffee mug in hand.

“Yes, Mr DeLaGhetto!”

“Great.” Tim raises the mug in a cheers gesture to her and then leaves as Saf turns back to her computer, fingers clacking over the keys at high speed.

At that moment, Teala comes skipping up to Safiya, clipboard clutched to her chest. “Hi, Saf!”

“Hey, Teala.”

“Uh, are you gonna sign up for the company softball league?” the smaller girl enquires hopefully, tucking a strand of her long, dark hair behind her ear.

Saf sighs. “No,”

“Oh. Well, it- it might be fun!” Teala tries again with a hopeful smile at Safiya.

“Yeah.. I don’t want to though.” Saf smiles apologetically up at her from her desk chair.

“Okay… well, Mr DeLaGhetto want those reports on his desk by the end of the day!” Teala reminds, slightly saddened. She then hurries off to try and enlist someone else.

“Will do!” Saf calls after her.

There is peace in the office for a minute, as Safiya gets distracted from her reports by some important emails and other business work she needs to do. The peace is disturbed by Gabbie’s phone ringing. She picks it up off of her desk and answers it chirpily.

“C.C.R.P Technical, this is Gabbie. How can I help - oh! Hi DeStorm! How are things down at the precinct?” She seems sweetly surprised to be being called by her husband, and she grins. Her grin soon drops, however, into a sympathetic frown (even though her husband won’t be able to see it). “Well, I’m sorry to hear that. My day’s been- uh-huh. Oh. Um- how late?” 

Saf is trying hard to not eavesdrop, but concern from her coworker has her listening harder than she would dare to admit.

“But- but- but sweetheart, it’s-” Gabbie lowers the volume of her voice as she speaks into the phone. ”Sweetheart, it’s _cuddle night.”_ She reminds her husband softly. Her brow furrows in upset anger as she listens to him speak again. “What do you mean “so what?” The counsellor says we should do it at _least_ once a month!”

Gabbie takes a breath to steady herself. “Yes but- but honey, we skipped _last_ month.” She sighs indignantly before continuing. “Well, don’t you think _I’m_ tired, too?” Her shoulders fall, but she tries to remain chirpy down the phone. “All right, maybe tomorrow night then, hm? ...No, no you’re right. We should stick to the schedule. Next month it is! All right, well you take care, DeStorm. And- DeStorm? Be careful because I love y-”

Gabbie is cut off as her husband hangs up the phone. She places its back in its holder with a sigh. “That was DeStorm... He’s doing just _fine…_ counselling is working out real swell.”

As she says that, she pulls a lighter and a cigarette from her bag with trembling hands. Just before she can light up, Saf stops her gently.

“Oh! Gabbie, I’m sorry. You can’t smoke in here..” she reminds. Gabbie looks at quizzically, so Saf gestures to the cigarette in her hands. 

“Oh! I didn’t even realise..” she apologises, and Safiya assures her that its okay. Instead, Gabbie pulls a silver flask from her bag and takes a swig of whatever she has inside it.

“Well, I’m gonna go get some coffee from Beanie’s.” Saf declares awkwardly. “Anyone wanna come? Ro?” She looks to her friend questioningly.

“I can’t. I gotta keep refreshing this webpage,” says Ro. “See, I got Roi for one more night before he goes home to Clivesdale. His mother, _just_ to make me look small, took him _all_ the way to New York to see Hamilton, and he loved it! So, to prove to my ex-wife that two can play at _that_ game, I’m on HotTix right now! And the moment more of them become available, I’m getting two tickets for tonight. Because guess what, Saf? It’s finally here! At the old Starlight Theater in downtown Everlock… the touring production of _Mamma Mia!”_ Ro wiggles in excitement.

“Wow, he’ll like that just as much as Hamilton.” Saf teases, though Ro takes no notice.

“It’s a musical! Hey, you wanna tag along? Roi would get a kick out of it,” Rosanna invites her friend with a massive smile on her face. “Remember when you used to babysit him? Drive him to school? He thinks you’re cool! Maybe you could even talk me up a bit? Let him know his old mom’s pretty cool too!” 

“Ro…. No.” Saf declines with a half-hearted apology. “Sorry,”

“You got other plans?”

“Uh- no.”

Ro looks hurt at that. “So you… you’d rather do nothing than come with us to see _Mamma Mia?”_

“Ro, I would rather do anything than go see _Mamma Mia._ The idea of sitting there, trapped in a musical… That is my own personal hell.” She confesses with a shrug.

“I’m trying to reconnect with my teenage kid and you’re just gonna leave me hanging?” Ro says in a small, pleading voice.

“Yeah,” replies Safiya. “Sorry. But hey! I’ll grab you something from Beanie’s! My treat. What do you want?” She smiles brightly in an attempt at an apology.

“...I just want my son back.” Ro turns away to refresh the page sadly once more, shoulders slumping.

“How about an iced caramel frappe! Nothing better!” Saf says, still annoyingly upbeat as she turns and hurries away.

As she goes to leave, she is stopped by Nikita, who appears from seemingly nowhere. “Hey, you goin’ to Beanie’s?” Nikita asks, accusingly.

“Yeah?”

“You didn’t invite _me,”_ Nikita says, sharply, narrowing her eyes.

Safiya sighs. “Sorry, Nikita. Do you want to come?”

“No, no, no..” Nikita turns away for a moment, dramatically, before looking back at her coworker. “I don’t wanna show you up, yeah?” She winks, clicking her tongue as she elbows Saf teasingly.

“...What do you mean?” Saf says, confused.

Nikita smirks. “Saf, come on. I _know_ why you walk that extra block, instead of just goin’ to the Starbucks across the street."

Safiya laughs awkwardly, deciding to try and bluff her way out of the situation. “I, uh, don’t wanna give my money to some corporate chain-”

“Uh-huh, uh-huh.” Nikita looks at her as if she can see right through Saf’s bullshit (which she probably can, being Nikita Dragun). “You _sure_ it doesn’t have anything to do with that cute lil’ barista over there, huh?”

“That’s not the reason-”

“Yeah, the uh- _‘~Latte Hottay~’_ as they’re known throughout the land, right?” Nikita teases, elbowing Saf - who has turned bright red in flustered embarrassment - again.

“Alright _bye,_ Nikita!” Saf dashes around her and pushes open the door to leave.

“Hey! Get me a chai iced tea, eh? Eh!?” Nikita calls after her, sighing when she doesn’t respond.

-

It’s a regular shift at Beanie’s for Colleen Ballinger today. As another customer approaches the counter, tapping something on their phone, she recites the almost practised line of “Hi, can I help you?”

“Yeah yeah yeah- Can I get a grande caramel frappe in a venti cup with ten pumps of hazelnut, three shots of espresso, no caramel drizzle and with whip on top?” They say, still not looking up from the phone in their hands.

“Sure, that’ll be $5.50,” Colleen says.

“Jesus, _fine,”_ the customer says, scowling as Colleen turns away to start making the drink. “Hey!” they call out.

“Yeah?”

“I just tipped you,” they smirk.

“Oh, well, thank you!” Colleen smiles.

“Aren’t you supposed to sing? The sign says tip for a song.” the customer points out, gesturing at it harshly.

“Yeah, um, that’s like a new thing… The owner went to Cold Stone Creamery over the weekend and brought back the whole singing thing, but you know, there’s a line and people are working- I don’t want to disturb anyone,” Colleen makes an uncomfortable apology.

“Haha, I don’t care. I just tipped you, come on!” says the customer.

Colleen glares back at them. “Okay. Well, did you do that to be nice or did you do it to be an _asshole?”_

“Fine, I’ll take it back then!” the customer declares angrily.

“Oh no! What am I gonna do without that _dollar_ that I have to split with five other people?!” Colleen whines sarcastically.

“You know what? I’m never coming back here again. That sign’s bullshit!” the customer storms out of the coffee shop.

“Oh my god, so mean!” Colleen whines some more, flipping them off.

It’s at this point that Safiya enters Beanie’s, awkwardly squeezing into a corner as the customer barges past to leave.

Colleen’s manager, Eva, comes out, looking frustrated and confused. “Colleen, what's the deal over here?” 

“That guy just flipped out on me for practically no reason!” Colleen says, still angry.

“She wouldn’t sing for him!” says a particularly snobby sounding customer.”And I _still_ haven’t gotten my hot chocolate.”

“Oh, sorry, I’ll get right on that,” Colleen apologises.

“I have _very_ low blood sugar,” the customer warns.

“I’m so sorry, sir. We’ll get you a voucher,” Eva soothes the customer, before turning to Colleen. “Jesus, Colleen, come on. I already warned you twice!”

“It’s embarrassing, Eva!” Colleen explains, frustrated. “I mean, god, maybe Alex is okay with the whole singing thing because _he_ majored in theatre.”

“I think it’s a really fun idea, Eva.” pipes up Alex.

“Why aren’t you working?” Colleen asks Alex.

“Oh, I’m on vocal rest.”

“What?”

Alex speaks louder this time. “I’m on vocal re-” He winces, realising his mistake. “Goddamnit, Colleen, now I have to go make a tea with honey, okay. Oh my _god…”_ he hurries off into the back of the store.

Colleen sighs. “Look, can’t Alex just do the singing? I don’t like it,” she pleads to Eva.

“Huh, okay. So then you must not like having a job here then, hm?” Eva answers. “You know what? Just don’t even bother showing up for your next shift.”

“What? Are you serious? Wait, wait, wait!... I will do the singing,” Colleen agrees begrudgingly.

“Yeah, you will. Now move your ass, you got a line!” Eva says firmly, before retreating back into the back room.

Colleen turns to Saf with a sigh. “Hi, can I help you?”

“Uh, yeah, I got an easy one for you. Just a cup of black coffee!” Saf smiles, tipping as Colleen turns to make the coffee.

Colleen sees the tip and scowls. “Jesus! Really? _I’ve been brewing up your coffee-”_ She sings, annoyed.

Safiya realises what she's done and stops Colleen. “Oh no, no no- uh I’m sorry. No, I don’t need you to sing. I just tipped because y’know… uh, people should tip!”

Colleen smiles, relieved. “Well, thank you. I mean because if I have to _sing_ for it, it's not really a tip, right?” Safiya nods as Colleen speaks. “It’s just like I have another shitty paying job on top of my already shitty paying job! ‘Cause I mean, most of my tips are, like, less than a buck? So, after the split, I’m making like- not even 25 _cents_ a song. That is less than a fucking jukebox! Only a jukebox doesn’t _also_ have to make coffee for _these_ assholes! Uh- not that you’re an asshole,” she amends with the last part. “Well- maybe you are, how much did you tip? Five bucks?!” She leans across the counter to talk quietly to Saf. “You meant this just for me, right? Like, I don’t have to split this with anyone…”

“Oh, no, that's for you. I don’t give a shit about them.” Safiya laughs, tucking some of her hair behind one of her ears.

Colleen chuckles.”That’s very sweet. God, I’m just so sick of Eva and Alex- who is technically my manager, even though she is _ten years_ younger than me. Ugh. She hired all of her little theatre friends and they will not _shut the fuck up~”_ she sings the last part for sarcastic emphasis. “About some shitty production of _Godspell_ they did _last_ summer.”

“Oh, that was the one at the rec centre, right?” Safiya queries. “I think I _had_ to see that. I did _not_ like it.”

“Yeah! It sucked, right?”

“Yeah. Yeah, they shouldn’t call it “ _Godspell”._ More like “god-awful”.” Saf jokes.

“Or like, “God- _damn-_ that-was-bad”.”

Safiya laughs. “I don’t like musicals. Watching people sing and dance makes me very uncomfortable,” she confesses with a smile.

Colleen raises an eyebrow as she hands over the black coffee. “Well then why did you come to the singing coffee shop? You know there’s a Starbucks across the street.”

“Oh, uh-” Safiya tries not to blush, flustered. “Well, you know, some things are worth it,” she says softly. “Like- damn good coffee!” she bluffs.

“I see you come in here all the time, don’t I? What’s your name?” Colleen asks.

“Safiya. But you can call me Saf.”

“Hi, Saf. I’m Colleen,” she smiles.

“ _Excuse me!”_ the snooty customer from earlier interrupts again. “I have been waiting for a very long while!”

“Sorry, sorry,” Colleen apologises, hurrying to deal with this.

“Uh- okay- bye Colleen!” Saf calls, before walking out of the shop with a soft, sappy smile on her face. “Colleen… Oh, shoot! I forgot Ro’s caramel frappe.” She shrugs. “Eh, fuck Ro.”

-

Later, after work, Saf is wandering down the street, when she bumps into a girl in a Greenpeace vest - the name tag on her vest identifies her as “Sierra”.

“Hi! Are you interested in saving the planet?” Sierra says, stepping in front of Saf.

“Uh, yes I am, but I just got off work-”

“Well you know, it’ll just take a few minutes. It’s for the planet, so…” Sierra interrupts.

“Yeah, but I-”

“I just want to tell you about how you can contribute to Greenpeace’s efforts all around the globe.”

“Oh! Greenpeace? You know what? I-I’m actually already signed up with you guys. I already give!” Safiya feels guilty for lying, but at this point, she just wants to go home and relax after her long day.

“Oh, well that’s really generous of you.” Sierra smiles sweetly. “Do you know about our new campaign to save the sea turtles?”

“Yeah. Yeah, I’ve been getting the emails. Been reading all about it!”

Sierra’s smile turns dangerous quickly. “Really? The campaign that _doesn’t exist?_ The one that I _just_ made up?”

Saf stammers for a bit.

“You don’t give to Greenpeace, do you?” says Sierra.

“You know that money you’re raising? You know how much of it actually goes to the turtles?” Saf switches the subject quickly, tone firm.

“Well, none of it. I just made that up.” Sierra states cooly.

“That’s right, none!” Safiya continues. “It goes to line the pockets of some corporate bigwigs! I give _my_ money directly to the people who need it.” She goes to storm off, bumping into the homeless guy - what was his name again, Willy? The one who used to be an insurance seller? - who stands with his hands out. “Oh, spare change for the homeless?” he says hopefully.

“Sorry man, I don’t have anything,” Saf excuses and then she starts to hurry off as Sierra calls out after her. 

“Wow, you’re a _real_ humanitarian,” Sierra says sarcastically.

Saf turns around, annoyed. “And you’ve come on a little strong with that whole “save the planet” bit. As if _I’m_ gonna do that single-handedly-”

The two arguing women are cut off by a sudden crash of lightning and thunder, and they turn to peer at the sky. “What is..that?” Saf points.

-

Gabbie is at home, in her dressing gown, smoking as she looks out of the window. “Oh, heavens to Betsy… There’s some kind of terrible storm out there. I hope DeStorm is alright…”

“ _Fuck_ DeStorm,” says Nikita, standing behind her lover and resting her hands on her hips. “Come back to bed, all right?”

“Alright, Nikita but- this _has_ to be the last time.” Gabbie states, conflicted.

Nikita steps away from her with a shout. “Sure, Gabs! Just like last time was the last time! If you don’t like what we’re doing here, there’s the door.”

-

Colleen and Alex hurry out of Beanie’s into the rain.

“Oh God, a cherry on top of an already _perfect_ day,” Colleen complains, holding her apron over her head to shield from the rain. “Alex, you need a ride?”

“In your shitty car? Yeah, I’d rather not crash and die. It’s fine, thank you.” He answers.

Colleen rolls her eyes and hurries off into the rain, out of sight,

“‘Scuse me, sir, but I have a warrant to inspect the junk in your trunk~” comes a flirtatious voice from around the corner.

Alex sighs. “Ugh, DeStorm, you’re such an asshole, okay?” He turns to the police officer, and eyes him up and down, biting his lip. “But that uniform is _so_ fuckin sexy-” Alex pulls him close with a grin. “Hey, I have a little present for ya’. These two tickets to _Mamma Mia?”_

DeStorm gasps. “No _way!_ You got ‘em?! I never miss a musical at the Starlight.” he smirks. “And if anyone thinks that makes me less of a man, they can talk to my _fucking gun!”_ he crows, waving around said gun as Alex laughs.

-

Ro is driving whilst on the phone to her son, Roi. “Holy hell, it’s raining cats and dogs! Are you sure you don’t want me to pick you up?” she fusses. “Okay. Yes, I got a ticket for Jc- and after the show, we’re gonna go to your favourite restaurant!” she smiles down the phone. “Red Lobster! Yeah, I know Jc’s a vegetarian. They got fish. _Vegan?_ Uh… its crab fest! Roi, you’re killing me!” she cries out in frustration.

-

Roi sighs. “Alright, Mom, well we’ll meet you at the theatre okay?” He hangs up, pulling his hoodie sleeves further down his hands as the kids next to him smoke.

“Take a hit, Roi!” they invite.

“Uh… I don’t think I oughta,” he says awkwardly, stepping away.

“Look, he doesn’t have to if he doesn’t want to, okay?” Jc defends, wrapping an arm around his boyfriend.

“Come on, Jc, that’s not how it works! You’re either in the Smoke Club, or you’re out!” one of the kids complains loudly.

“Okay, well then maybe we’re _out_ ,” Jc says, cooly. “C’mon, Roi, those guys are assholes anyway.”

The pair start walking away through the rain, stopping to glance puzzledly at the sky. “Woah, what's that coming through the clouds?” Jc breathes.

-

Professor Patrick looks out at the storm with a dramatic gasp. “Good God! Alexa, it’s happening!” he cries to his smart speaker. “Come on, you bastard! You don’t think I’m ready for you?” Matt shouts at the sky. “I’ve been waiting in the wings. The stage is set- it’s _showtime!”_

_-_

The next morning, Safiya is listening to her radio as she prepares for work. “This is the Morning Everlock News with Mortimer and Calliope! They said he wouldn’t make it. That he had fallen from too great a height, but this little guy beat the odds and captured our hearts. Now weighing in at a healthy weight, Blueberry the Everlock Carnival Puppy has outgrown the arms of his new adopted family.”

“Blueberry!” Safiya laughs. There’s some more news about the adorable pup, that Saf isn’t really paying attention too, but it warms her heart anyway.

“And something else has fallen to the ground here in Everlock, this time from outer space! The meteor came-” Saf shuts off the radio and leaves for work.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> please please please leave a kudos and comment if this tickles your fancies!!!!! they encourage me to write more and since this is a nearly two hour long musical that i have to novelise, encouragement is gOOD and hELPFUL uwu!!  
> <3<3<3 see yall in chapter twoo!


	2. Lah Dee Dah Dah Day

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> eyy chapter two electric boogaloo!!!!  
> this ones a lot shorter but still good imo!  
> heads up y'all, theres a small mention of cannibalism in the middle of this chapter but its verrryyy small so just be careful if that squicks you out friends!!!!

Safiya walks down the street, her mind so focused on thoughts of the day ahead she almost bumps into a stranger who appears to be walking - correction; not walking,  _ dancing,  _ for some peculiar reason unbeknownst to Saf - down the street.

“Sorry,” She excuses as she wriggles past them, quirking an eyebrow at another dancing person heading down the street. “That was interesting..”

Saf stops walking, stepping back out of the way, her eyebrows furrowing in confusion as another few people skip, hop and dance across the sidewalk. “Seems like a lot, uh-”

She senses someone standing beside her and turns to speak to them. “Hey, did you see- Oh, you again,” Cutting herself off, she realises that its Sierra (the Greenpeace girl from yesterday) stood beside her, and she has an almost freakishly large grin plastered across her face. “Look, I’m not a bad person, okay? I’ve given to charities in the past-” She’s preparing herself for the incoming argument, but Sierra cuts her off as she starts to sing.

“ _ Hey~, yeah! Just a typical day-” _

_ “ _ ..what?”

“ _ -got me feelin’ in a beautiful way! No rhyme or reason. We could sing a duet!”  _ She enthuses, grabbing a very alarmed Safiya’s hand tightly. Saf’s face crinkles in uncomfortableness, and she tugs her hand away, rubbing at her now-sore wrist.

_ “Dance a style or two, or I’ll make you a bet- just a smile will do!”  _ Sierra sings, seemingly a lot happier than the fiery girl from yesterday. Sierra begins to dance, skipping around Safiya merrily. “ _ Sometimes I just wanna shout, atop of roofs and mountain tops that all the world is paved in gold!”  _ As she pauses, she links an arm with a dancing passerby who smiles at her.

“Oh, is he with Greenpeace too or..?” Safiya is  _ so  _ confused and somewhat frightened by this sudden turn of events.

“ _ Yesterday was retroactive,”  _ Sierra ignores the question, instead she starts dancing with the smiling stranger. “ _ Got myself a new perspective. I strut it up and down the road,”  _ She twirls out of the stranger’s arms, clutching at Safiya’s shoulder.

“ _ So I threw all my worries, and my old skin away,”  _ Sierra sings, ignoring Safiya’s distress but still stepping away from her with a dramatic swing of her arms. “ _ Doing what I want to, on this la dee dah dah day!” _

_ “La dee dah dah day!”  _ some of the townsfolk echo back to her- Safiya appears to be the only one not dancing and/or singing.

“ _ La dee dah dah, la dee dah dah, la dee dah dah day- La dee dah dah day!”  _ Sierra chants, the townsfolk her backing singers as she grooves her way around Saf. They continue this for a minute before Sierra raises her hand for a high five from Safiya - upon getting ignored, she claps her own hand, spinning away to dance for a second.

“What the fuck was that??” Safiya’s question goes unanswered- instead, Willy steps up to her, hands cupped.

“Spare change for the homeless?” He asks, hopefully.

“Sorry man, I don’t have anything.”

“Hey man, that’s alright…  _ ‘cause I may not have a home!”  _ Willy is the next to burst into song, body moving to the rhythm of the townsfolk’s music. “ _ But that’s way okay! Because I prefer to roam the streets all day!” _

Safiya blinks in confused shock, backing away from the moving and grooving crowd.

“ _ The world is my house- the dogs are my food!”  _ Willy proclaims, picking an unused trash bag from the floor. “ _ Oh look a new blouse- and a new trash can too!” _

He stuffs the trashbags into his pockets, before dancing his way up to Safiya. “ _ I used to want to kill them all, while high on bath-salt zombie drugs, and snacking on a dead man’s face!” _

_ “ _ What?” replies a slightly scared Saf.

“ _ But that just feels like yesterday, a song takes all the pain away. My politics and house views are changed!”  _ Willy changes the subject rapidly away from his apparent former cannibalism. “ _ Dancing on the concrete used to hurt a lot- but now I got new feet! And this jams just way too hot!” _

_ “La dee dah dah day! La dee dah dah, la dee dah dah la dee dah dah day! La dee dah dah day!”  _ The townsfolk chant insistently, dancing about. Saf is trying to get past them, but intentional or not- they are blocking her off.

“Okay, alright, uh- what’s happening? I’m very confused and concerned by, uh, all of this, I-” Saf is flummoxed as she tries to get her words out, and then Sierra cuts her off. The Greenpeace girl strikes a pose and points a finger at her, crying out in song.

“ _ Do you want to save the planet?” _

_ “Of course you want to save the planet!”  _ The crowd answers for her.

“ _ Do you want to save the planet?”  _ Sierra repeats.

_ “There’s just one way you can do it!” _

Sierra’s voice merges with the townsfolk as they surround Safiya, effectively pushing her down slowly into a sitting position.  _ “By singing a song- singing along!” _

Suddenly the crowd parts- instead of surrounding Safiya, they merge into a line behind her, smiles unsettling wide and hands clasped together like a gospel choir.  _ “La dee dah dah dah dah la dee dah dee dah da dee dah dah dah dee dah dah dah dah dah dah  _ **_day!”_ **

_ “La dee dah dah, la dee dah dah day!”  _ They begin to clap as they dance around Safiya (who is attempting and failing to crawl away, but she manages to stand up), repeat themselves over and over.

“ _ La dee dahahh~”  _ Sierra pulls away from the crowd for a second, extending her arms skyward.

“ _ Dayyy!”  _ Sierra finishes the song with the townsfolk help, and after striking a pose they all hurry away, muttering something about quick changes.

Safiya pushes a hand through her hair, trying to process what just happened as she continues walking to her workplace. “Okay,” she says to herself. “Okay... okay.. Okay.”

-

Ro is complaining to her colleagues. “Now, I get that Roi is eighteen. He’s a senior! He’s got his own life but-- I only _get_ my son for one week a _month,_ and he wants to spend all of that with his boyfriend! Jc!” She takes a breath, trying not to get too angry as she continues. “So I say, “Bring Jc along, we’ll all go see the show!” And would you believe it? We get there and the whole theatre was _exploded_ by a _god dang_ _meteor!_ Mama Mia!” She laments.

“Huge hole _right_ through the marquee and everything. Can you believe that, Gabbie?” Ro turns to look at the woman, who is staring off into the distance, distress carved into the lines on her face. Concern softens the edges of Rosanna’s anger- Gabbie has been pouring sugar into the coffee pot for a solid two minutes. “Gabbie? You got enough coffee in that sugar?”

“Huh?” Gabbie blinks, eyes seeming to refocus as she glances down at the coffee pot. “Oh! I didn’t even realise. Sorry, I’ll make another pot,” she apologises, tipping the sugar pourer up and away. “Coffee in the sugar..” she giggles slightly, laughing to herself as she turns to make another pot. “Oh, Ro, you’re a riot!” 

At this point, Safiya enters, anxiously wringing her hands. “Hey guys,” she greets her colleagues. “Uh, is today some kind of, I don’t know, Canadian holiday or something? Like uh… International Music Day or…?”

Ro shakes her head, looking slightly confused. “Not that I know of,”

“Okay, ‘cause I just, uh.. I just saw some people- dancing and singing? Like they were in a musical? There was this homeless guy, and this  _ very  _ rude woman from Greenpeace doing this whole choreographed number..” Saf explains, pushing a hand through her hair.

“Like a flashmob?” Nikita interjects.

“Yeah. I mean, what else could it have been, right?”

“Well did you get a video of it?” Nikita inquires harshly.

“Uh, no.”

Nikita sighs, rolling her eyes. “You’re fuckin’ useless, Saf.”

“Yeah- I just have a bad feeling about all this,” Saf says sheepishly. “Uh- Gabbie?”

“Hm?”

“Have  _ you  _ noticed anything strange?” Safiya questions, head tipped slightly to one side curiously.

“What? No. Well- oh, it’s silly. Um…” Gabbie laughs slightly, embarrassed as she finishes up the coffee. “It’s just... Um… it’s DeStorm, my husband. He said he was coming home late last night,”

“Heh! He didn’t get home at all!” Nikita crows. Gabbie gives her a look telling her to  _ cut it out  _ and Nikita blushes in embarrassment. “Uh, I heard, I wasn’t there,”

“He must have rolled in around 6:00 this morning,” Gabbie continues. “He was in the shower when I woke up. I could hear him. He was… singing. And- and I know this is a strange thing to realise, because, well, DeStorm’s not a- a  _ bad  _ singer- he’s just always been a little… flat.” She explains, shifting her weight from foot to foot, fidgeting anxiously. “But not this morning. Today he… he sounded like an angel,” She takes a shuddery breath, seemingly close to tears. “And I don’t know why, but it-  _ frightened  _ me.”

Saf takes a step forward, putting a soothing hand on Gabbie’s arm as Gabbie tries not to cyr into the coffee. The married woman takes a breath before continuing, swiping at tears threatening to fall from her eyes. “It just… it didn’t sound like  _ my  _ DeStorm. Oh, I must sound so silly. I’m probably just imagining things…”

“Gabbie? Do you remember  _ what  _ DeStorm was singing?” Safiya questions gently.

“I-it was just a silly little song. Ah, something like, um, la dee-”

“Dah dah day?” Safiya finishes, eyes wide in shock. Gabbie turns to her, about to ask how Saf knew, when Teala hurries into the room.

“Saf? Mr DeLaGhetto wants to see you in his office.” She informs.

“Oh, shoot, I forgot to hand in my weekly reports yesterday. I’m gonna get it!” Saf hurries away as Nikita laughs behind her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> woohoo!  
> and since i forgot to add it in last chapter: here's a link to the musical! feel free to check it out! if you don't want to get ahead of the fic, 24:53 is where chapter two ends! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IrxKX44qBJ0
> 
> thanks for all the love on the last chapter!! keep it up lmao its really encouraging to hear all your thoughts on this fic!!  
> <3<3<3


	3. What Do You Want, Saf?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> two chapters in a day huh?? im on a roll!
> 
> this one contains some nsfw language here so heads up!
> 
> its also the shortest so far, but im divvying these up by song, and though i'm grouping Cup of Roasted Coffee and Cup of Poisoned Coffee together next chapter, this one i had to cut just before the whole Beanie's scene!

Safiya squeezes past Teala, hurrying into Mr DeLaGhetto’s office, formulating an excuse as she goes. When she enters, her boss is reading the Everlock Gazette (a popular local newspaper), holding it up in front of his face.

“Hey, Mr DeLaGhetto,” she greets, nervously. “I think I know why you called me in here today. My weekly reports were not turned in yesterday. Not because they’re not done! They  _ are  _ done. There’s a problem with the printer network you see- you try to print something over here, it gets sent over there!” she exclaims, with a nervous laugh. “I bet my report is sitting in someone else’s printer tray  _ right now.  _ You give me ‘til the end of the day, I can find it!”

No response.

“Not _do_ it. I-I-I wouldn’t just not  _ do  _ my statistical analysis.” Safiya lies, sitting down in a chair. “That would really gum things up here in the office. And that’s the last thing I want.”

Mr DeLaGhetto whips the paper away from his face, and turns to saf, eyes wide and a freaky smile plastered across his face. “ _ What do you want, Saf?” _

Saf feels the colour drain from her face. “E-excuse me?”

_ “Tell me what you desire to see. Your deepest intent, Saf!”  _ He folds the newspaper up, setting it down as he sings. “ _ What do ya see for this company?”  _ He stands up, swinging one leg up onto his chair. “ _ I’m looking for someone with strong ambition. Someone to sell their specific vision- someone to share with precise precision their thoughts... ‘Cause I want you to want, to want!”  _ He begins striding over to a terrified Safiya. “So what do you want, Saf? What’s that one concrete goal that motivates all your actions?” He pivots and strides away from her, to her relief.

“I-I don’t think I have one of those,”

“Well, then how is anyone supposed to  _ sympathise  _ with you, Safiya?”

“I don’t know, I want money, a partner-” She gets cut off by her boss clutching at her shoulders from behind and singing enthusiastically into her ear. 

“ _ I want you to want, Saf! Someone so vague just can’t be trusted. Something you pine for!” _

“Mr DeLaGhetto?”

He ignores her and keeps singing, moving his hands in and out of the air (normally, to signify someone curvy you’d only do this twice, but he keeps doing it until he reaches the floor, much to Saf’s bewilderment). “ _ Maybe someone who keeps you lusted?~ I’m just a boss, I’m not an idea guy. I hire you, Saf, to keep our stocks high! But if you can’t pin that point that’s in the sky- then I want you to want! To want!”  _ He releases his very distressed employee, and steps away, looking as if he’s about to do a theatrical monologue.

_ “Do you know what I want for myself?”  _ Mr DeLaGhetto asks.

“Okay?”

“ _ I’ve waited for so long, to tell somebody else.”  _ He walks over to his desk, picking up the picture frame with his husband’s photo in it. “ _ Matt, my husband, you’re my muse, my source of light. Matt, my love, I want you to choke me out at night~” _

“Uh-huh?” Saf sighs.  _ Could this get any weirder?  _ She asks herself.

“ _ I want you to choke me,” _

“This seems like a private moment-”

_ “I want you to choke me,”  _ He repeats, caressing the photo frame.

“-like, who is this for?”

_ “I want you to choke me, while I jerk off! I want you to choke me, while I jerk off.” _

Safiya winces, face flushed red with embarrassment.

“Teala!” He calls. “Teala, get my husband on the phone for me.”

Saf stands. “Mr DeLaGhetto, I think I should leave-”

Mr DeLaGhetto cuts her off. “No, Saf! I want you to hear this, if you leave you’re fired.” He picks up the phone, holding it to his ear as Safiya reluctantly sits down again.

“Matt!” Mr DeLaGhetto smiles down the phone. “Yes, everything’s fine. I promise! I just uh, wanted to tell you something,” He clicks his tongue twice, a laugh slipping from his mouth. “I uh- mm- heh heh,, I-” his face drops into sudden sadness. “I.. I forgot what it was. Maybe- maybe someday I’ll remember. Goodbye.” He hangs up, and then turns back to Saf.

“ _ Saf! Now you know what it is to want!” _

“I want to go  _ home-”  _ Safiya confesses, wringing her hands.

“ _ It consumes someone with the passion to drive the primary plot! So take up yoga, or improv classes! Volunteer at shelters, or Twitch to the masses! There’s gotta be something that’ll keep my hands off you!”  _ As he walks towards her, hands outstretched, Safiya scrambles upwards and away.

“ _ Cause I want you to want!” _

“Mr DeLaGhetto, I’m going to get some coffee, do you want anything?” She exclaims over the singing as he stands on her chair, desperately trying to get out.

_ “No, I need you to want!” _

“How about an iced caramel frappe? Nothing better!” With that, she turns and  _ runs  _ out of the office.

_ “And if you don’t want, we’re through!”  _ He looks around, realising she’s gone. “ _ Saf? Safiya?  _ **_Saaaaf!”_ ** he cries.

-

Safiya exits the building, repeating the word “okay!” to herself, again and again, trying to calm her panic. “Okay, alright. This isn’t happening!” She tells herself firmly. “Get a  _ grip,  _ Saf, you’re hallucinating. Better yet- you’re still dreaming! You need to wake up-  _ coffee!  _ You need some coffee. That’s it- just a nice cup of black coffee, nothing in it. No cream, no sugar. Just black coffee!”

She pushes through the door into Beanie’s.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yeet yeet here we come chapter four!!  
> also, in the show, this chapter ends at 29:18!  
> remember to leave a comment with your thoughts!!! <3<3<3


	4. Cup of Roasted/Poisoned Coffee

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> things are getting serious!
> 
> chapter updates have been frequent ik but im trying to finish this for christmas hopefully!!!!!

Safiya walks up to the counter, smacking her hand down with a desperate cry of “Hello?! Hello?! Please, God, I just want a  _ black coffee-” _

There’s a smattering of piano notes coming from  _ somewhere,  _ and Safiya tenses as Colleen comes around the corner, singing. “ _ Black coffee, I’m your coffee gal~” _

“NO!! No,.. not you too, Colleen, please  _ God  _ stop singing!” Safiya begs, panic rising in her chest once more.

Colleen hurries up to the counter, a bit confused by Safiya’s distress, but then it clicks in her head. “Okay, okay, I’ll stop- oh! I didn’t forget! You’re the gal who doesn’t like musicals, Saf, right?”

“Colleen.” She says, relieved. “You’re talking to me- like a, a normal person!”

“Uh, yeah, and if my boss catches me, I’ll get canned. New company policy- Not only do we have to sing when people  _ tip,  _ but when they enter, when they order, all the damn  _ time  _ apparently!” Colleen complains, cleaning a glass- her movements are rough with anger.

“Colleen- I think there’s something  _ terribly  _ wrong with the world today,” Safiya begins, trying to steady her breathing.

“Yeah, fucking tell me about it,” Colleen rolls her eyes in the direction of the back room. “I spent the entire morning learning some dumbass new tip song, I’m  _ exhausted.”  _ She moves to give Safiya her coffee, but the taller woman just sets it down immediately, grabbing Colleen by the hand and leading her into the corner to talk to her.

“Colleen- I feel like there’s something…  _ sinister _ , infecting Everlock- and I know this is gonna sound crazy-”

By the way that Colleen is looking at her, she already thinks  _ Saf  _ is crazy.

“-and not very scary. But it  _ is  _ scary, if you think about the implications. Promise me you’ll think about the implications?” She pleads, tapping her heel up and down in an anxious fidget.

“Okay. Okay, I promise,” Colleen soothes.

“Okay, Colleen. I think the world is becoming…” Safiya takes a deep breath, her voice coming out fearful and shaky. “...a  _ musical,” _

“Um, I-”

“Don’t say anything! Let it sink in,” Saf says, trying to get Colleen to understand the implications, but the barista just looks slightly concerned for Saf instead.

“Okay?”

“Okay! Now- are you  _ frightened?!” _

“Uh, yeah, I think I am starting to get a  _ little  _ frightened-” Colleen states drily, trying to get Safiya to sit down and calm down, before being cut off by the call of Alex and Eva.

“Colleen! Tip!”

“Oh, thank god- Sorry Saf, I gotta do this dumbass tip song. Sorry!” She apologises, hurrying over to the others.

“ _ Get your cup of roasted coffee. Your morning cuppa joe-y!”  _ The three baristas sing, dancing in sync- though Alex and Eva look a lot more enthusiastic than Colleen.  _ “We’ll make a jamming cup of java, mocha latte with the froth for you Jack!”  _

They all clap, and do a spin complete with jazz hands. “ _ Frappuccino with the freshly roasted mung beans. It’s a caramel drizzle mud in a cup! With a drip, drip, drip drip, drip- and we’ll bring it right up!” _

_ “Hey, Mr. Business, how do you do?”  _ Eva sings, the other two “oo”’ing behind her as backup singers. “ _ Can we get a triple for you? Decaf?” _

_ “What?”  _ they all sing.

_ “Decaf?”  _ Eva repeats.

_ “Whaaat?” _

_ “Dit dit, dee de dit, dee de dit, dee de dit- and we’ll bring it right up! Oy oy oy!”  _ They pass out coffee as they dance, and everyone except Saf, who’s still too anxious, takes a loud sip. “ _ And we’ll bring it, and we’ll bring it, right, right, right- and we’ll bring it right up!” _

Colleen relaxes out of her position, but turns around when she sees the other two still dancing. “God- wait. Hey! What is this? There’s more? Eva!” she tries to catch her boss’s attention, but she gets ignored. “Hey!  _ Hey!  _ You know what- alright, alright, stop stop stop!”

Alex and Eva pause, taking up an idle pose and looking at her curiously.

“What is  _ that?”  _ Colleen enquires, fury boiling in her gut. “A whole ‘nother A-section? God! When did you  _ learn  _ that? You know what?” She takes a breath and composes herself, eyes narrowing. “When I got this job, I signed up to serve coffee and cold,  _ shitty  _ pastries. If I wanted to be in a musical, I’d be in a damn musical! Yeah, that’s right,  _ Alex.  _ I was in  _ Brigadoon  _ in high school, and I fucking killed it! But now, I’m just trying to make ends meet whilst I work my way through community college- and I can do that,  _ just  _ as easily, down the street at Starbucks! I  _ quit!”  _ She announces, taking off her apron and throwing it on the ground.

“You can’t quit, Colleen!” Alex and Eva coo in time, blocking her from the exit door.

“Yeah, I sure as hell can?” Colleen protests, uneasy.

“The song is so simple. We’ll teach it to you! Why, everyone here will be singing it soon!” They pronounce, as customers start coughing and collapsing.

“What are you talking about- “

“They’ve all had their coffee! Their apotheosis will be upon them at  _ any moment!” _

“Wait, what did you do to their coffee?!” Colleen cries. She runs over to the coffee pot and flips it open, pulling out a chunk of blue goop. “Fucking _gross!”_

“ _ Get your cuppa poisoned coffee!”  _ They start to sing, moving ominously towards Colleen, who drops the goop, backing away hastily as she puts the coffee pot back on the counter.

“What is this? What is this?” She repeats, eyes wide in panicked confusion.

“ _ Your toxic cup of joe-y!” _

_ “ _ What?!”

“ _ We’ll make a twisted cuppa java, mocha latte with the goo for you, Jack, Jack, Jack, Jack!”  _ They sing, tone ominous. Colleen yells in shock and fright, ducking under their arms and running across the shop towards a wide-eyed Saf. “ _ Hey, Mr Business-” _

_ “How do you, how do you, how do you do?~”  _ The customers join in the number, rising and pointing at Saf and Colleen.

“They’re singing! Why are they all singing?!” Colleen asks, freaking out, clutching at Saf.

“We need to run, Colleen. Don’t hold back, just  _ run!”  _ Saf instructs.

“ _ We’ll make a double for you! Hey Mr Business- and we’ll bring it right up!”  _

-

Safiya and Colleen book it out of Beanie’s, dashing through some alleyways. “Through here! Through here, Colleen!”

“What? No! It’s too narrow!” She protests as they squeeze through.

“No trust me, I-I used to live around here! It’s uh a- a- an alleyway where I used to live it’s- nobody will follow us here!” Saf promises.

“Who- who’s decision was it to line an alleyway with tons of shrubs?” Collen complains, slapping away another branch.

Safiya shrugs. “I heard it was like, at one point they were going to make it into a park and-”

“What?”

“Yeah they were gonna make it into a park and they just  _ stopped.” _

“Listen- Saf? There are a lot of dead ends around here I just wanna make sure you know where you’re going?”

Safiya nods, before cursing. “Shit, dead-end- turn around, back the other way,”

Colleen groans in frustration, pushing past even more fucking bushes.

“So uh- I know this is a probably a bad time but uh, what do you like- do you like films?” Safiya attempts, face heating up.

“Yeah- ah, you know what that is- that  _ is  _ a bad time,” Colleen sighs.

“Oh, sorry,”

Colleen shrugs. “It’s fine- wait! Saf, look!”

There’s an exit into a much bigger alley, and they both dash down it, crouching by some trash cans to catch their breath.

“Oh my god, what the fuck was that?” Colleen asks, clutching Safiya’s hands tightly.

“I told you it was scarier than it sounds!”

“You were right, I didn’t think about the implications. Oh my god, I didn’t  _ think  _ about it!” Colleen almost shrieks, practically hysterical with panic.

“Colleen, Colleen shh, it’s alright!” Safiya soothes gently.

Then there’s a bang and rustle in one of the trashcans next to them, and they both scream.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it's getting serious now!! cliffhangers!
> 
> comments and kudos and all that are always appreciated!! remember you can subscribe to get email updates whenever this updates if you want!
> 
> this ends at 35:23 in the show!  
> <3<3<2


	5. Show Me Your Hands

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lmao this chap took a bit longer, really very visually busy scenes so a lot of minute character details were cut (sorry to ro for becoming suddenly very minor)
> 
> tws for guns, police and threats in this chapter! and violence with a touch of gore, take care y'all!

Both Colleen and Safiya tense, getting ready to run- but Saf relaxes as it turns out the noise was simply Ro bursting out of a trash can beside them. “No, it’s not alright, Saf!” she cries.

“Ro! You scared the shit out of us,” Saf breaths a laugh of giddy relief.

“Well how the hell am I supposed to pop out of a trashcan and not scare the shit out of you?!” Rosanna retorts, distress written in every line on her face.

“I don’t know, give us a warning or something next time, you know?!”

There’s a repeated banging from one of the trash cans, and Safiya and Colleen yell again, as Gabbie pops out of another one.

"Gabbie! What the _fuck?!_ "

“Sorry.. I tried to warn you!” she apologises sheepishly.

Colleen shifts in her sitting position, wide-eyed and confused. “Oh my god! Who are these people?”

“They’re my friends from work,” Safiya explains.

“What are they doing in the trash?!” comes Colleen’s next question, but this time Ro answers for everyone else.

“Well we had to find a place to hide- Mr DeLaGhetto kept calling people into his office and they kept coming out singing!” Rosanna explains, pacing the small alley, distressed.

“I-it was the same at the bank, the butchers, and the post office!” Gabbie adds, hands wrapped around her middle to try and calm herself down.

Safiya gulps. “It’s all downtown then, we were just at Beanie’s!”

Nikita hops up from behind a trashcan with an angry cry of “You didn’t invite me?!”

“Jesus, Nikita!” Saf shouts back, and Nikita slaps her hand on the trashcan.

“Shh! Shh! Shut the fuck up, Saf! Alright? If you want to stay in our hiding spot, you gotta be quiet!” she insists in a whisper-shout. “There’s something going on and we don’t know what it is or who we can trust so, Saf?” Nikita taps enough trashcan. “Get in your trashcan!” then she turns to Colleen, glaring. “You, beat it!”

“Uhh, fuck you?” Colleen responds, not moving to leave one bit.

“Yeah no, Colleen stays with us,” Safiya insists protectively.

“I don’t _know_ her!”

“Yeah you do! She’s the…” Safiya trails off, wincing at whats she’s about to do. “She’s the barista, from Beanie’s the- uh- the- you know! The- the " _latte hottay_ ”” She blushes bright red, pointedly avoiding Colleen’s gaze.

Nikita smiles, but not kindly, at Colleen. Then she leans into Saf, eyes narrowed as she whispers. “That is not the _latte hottay_ , that is the _crabby_ one who won’t sing when I tip her! You grabbed the wrong one, you noodle! _Fuck_!” She slams her hand against the trashcan lid again, crying out in anger and pain, shaking her hand out as she leans against the wall, trying to catch her breath.

Police sirens sound, coming closer, and Gabbie perks up, a smile tugging at the corners of her lips. “Oh, oh! Thank god! They’re here! I-I called DeStorm, he’ll get us out of this!”

“DeStorm, sweetheart? Destorm, baby?” Gabbie calls out. As she does so, three cops round the corner, the centre one being DeStorm, and Gabbie runs to him. “Oh, DeStorm, thank god you’re here! They’ve gone _crazy!_ Everyone’s gone crazy!”

DeStorm doesn’t reply. Instead, he and his fellow police, start to dance. And then he opens his mouth and begins to sing, much to Gabbie’s distress.

“ _Ma’am, I need you to take a step back! You’re facing the law, not the clerk at the Ga-ap,”_ He instructs, and Gabbie scrambles backwards, confused.

“ _Yeah, we’re cops! Yeah, we’re cops, you better shape on up!”_

Safiya hurries to Gabbie’s side. “Get away from him, Gabbie! He’s one of them!” Before she can lead her to relative safety, Safiya gets pushed to the side by one of the cops.

“ _You better empty out all of them pockets_!” Safiya starts to do as she’s been told before a cop slaps her hand, and she pulls it away quickly. “ _But don’t empty out all of them pockets!”_ The cop trips her, and she falls to her knees with a groan of pain.

“ _Yeah we’re cops, yeah we’re cops! And we make sense_!” The police sing, striking a pose in a line as Gabbie helps Safiya to her feet, and the two women run back to the others.

“ _Show me your hands! Show me those jazz hands- get ‘em up or you’ll end up in cuffs_!” The cops dance as DeStorm sings, showing off their jazz hands as the group tries to figure out what the hell to do.

Colleen, Nikita and Ro try to sneak around the back of them, getting pretty far until the cops turn and spot them, and the three freeze. “ _Show me those hands, show me those Jazz hands! Or I might, be inclined, to shoot you up,”_ DeStorm warns.

“Whoa, ah, _fuck_.” Nikita curses, putting her hands in the air along with the others. “Hey, look, my I.D is in my back pocket-”

The cops each take one of their hands, moving them in a steering motion. “ _You go 40 in a 35- check your mirror, you’ll find hell has arrived!_

“ _Cause we’re cops! Yeah we’re cops! We’re up in your shit.”_ They all sing, pushing their three captives down to the ground, before stalking away to line up again.

“ _Someone lost their cat in a tree_ ,” one cop announces.

DeStorm shrugs, uncaring. “ _Contact fire, not the E.L.P.D. Cause we’re cops, yeah we’re cops-”_

_“The cat is dead._ ” 

The police collectively shrug and go back to dancing. _“Show me your hands, show me those jazz hands! Get ‘em up, or you’ll end up in cuffs! Show me those hands, show me those jazz hands, or I might be inclined…”_

DeStorm changes the tempo of the song, pulling out a megaphone and singing into it. _“Step away from the vehicle, step away from the vehicle! Get back in the vehicle, you get back in the vehicle_!” he commands, his fellow cops turning it up like the alleyway is a nightclub and they’re trying to show off their dancing, drunk. “ _Slowly get out of the vehicle. Slowly get out of the vehicle! Do the things I say-”_

_“I’m a cop!”_ All three police chime in. One of them starts making impressively good siren noises, whilst the other two split their singing- DeStorm continues to sing at the three on the floor, whilst the one who had announced the death of someone’s cat turns to Gabbie and Safiya.

_“Get those hands up, get those hands up!”_

“ _Step away from the vehicle, step away from the vehicle-”_

_“Put those hands down, put those hands down!”_

_“- get back in the vehicle, get back in the vehicle!”_

_“Get those hands up, get those hands up!”_

_“Slowly get out of the vehicle, slowly get out of the vehicle!”_

“ _Up! Down!_ ”

_“Do the things I say_ -”

_“I’m a cop!_ ” they all say, before having their own musical conversation. “ _9-1-1 emergency call. Got a 4-1-1 at your shopping mall. Better pack your heat and utility belt. Any mall-rats coming in hot? They melt!”_

“ _Serg, its your wife on the 9-1-1_ ,” one of them informs DeStorm.

“ _What the bitch want now?”_ one of them spits cruelly, and Gabbie flinches. Safiya wraps her arms around her tighter, holding her close protectively. 

“ _She just wants a snug_!” the first one answers, and DeStorm rolls his eyes.

“ _Grab your 9 millimetre and doughnut bucket. Want my badge number? Put it in your mouth and suck it!_ ” he crows, and Gabbie runs up to him, hurt sparking in her gaze.

She puts her hands up submissively in front of her. “Oh, DeStorm, sweetheart… I’m your wife,” Gabbie takes his outstretched pointer finger before gently lowering it with her two hands, leaning into him. “DeStorm, baby, just talk to me.”

“Gabbie..” he responds, slowly, voice shaky.

“DeStorm?”

He grins, and then pulls his gun from his holster, pointing it at her. Gabbie screams, backing away as fast as she can as he sings again. “ _Show me your hands, show me those jazz hands!”_

DeStorm chases his wife, still waving his gun for a bit as she tries to escape. “ _Get em up, or they’ll end up in cuffs!”_

_“Doo bop a da-ba da-bop_ ,” the two other cops chant. Nikita stealths her way over to the trash cans, picking up one of the metal lids, using it as a shield as she runs from the other cops.

“ _Show me those hands, show me those jazz hands!”_ DeStorm continues, unaware of Nikita sneaking up behind him. “ _Or I might, be incled, to shoot you-”_

_WHAM_.

He gets cut off as Nikita strikes him across the back and top of his head from behind, splitting his head open. DeStorm staggers, hand coming up to touch the wound instinctively.

Gabbie, tears flowing from her eyes, picks up the gun he had dropped, and points it at him, hands shaking. “Oh my god! J-just get back! Just stay away, just leave us alone!”

As DeStorm collapses into an unceremonious heap, the other two cops shriek - making a noise somewhat like a turkey’s gobble -and flee rapidly. Gabbie then runs to her husband, crouching down behind him. “Oh my god, holy shit, his- his head is open!”

“Well I had to do something!” Nikita cries, biting the inside of her cheek.

Gabbie notices a lump of organic matter, like a brain but blue- and since DeStorm’s head cavity is empty, her heart sinks. “Oh- ohmygod,” She’s practically hyperventilating as she picks it up tentatively. “His brain fell out!”

“What?” Saf gasps, highly confused as to what the hell is going on right now- which has been true for most of her day, if she’s being honest.

“Well put it back then!” Nikita instructs, and Gabbie half-glares at her, which is a lot less intimidating when Gabbie’s softly crying.

“Oh I don’t know how! I’m not a doctor!” Gabbie throws back.

Nikita peers closer at it, eyes narrowing. “Gabbie, look at it- that’s not his brain, it’s blue.” She states firmly.

“Well how do you know?! You’re not a doctor either!” Gabbie retorts, eyes squinting in anger.

“We need to see a doctor, he needs to get to the doctor, DeStorm baby…” Gabbie is talking really quickly, panic shaking her voice.

Colleen crouches down. “Hey, hey listen- Gabbie? It’s Gabbie right?” She says gently, resting a hand on her shoulder.

“I’m Gabbie,”

“Yes. Okay, listen, we have to get out of downtown,” she explains, helping Gabbie to breathe slower, even if its just a little. “Downtown is fucked. The hospital is downtown, so- we can’t go there.”

“But he needs to see a doctor, he needs to see a doctor. DeStorm, we’re gonna get you to a doctor-” She barely seems to be registering Colleen’s words, shaking slightly.

Colleen stands for a minute, pacing as she wracks her brain for a solution. “Um, okay, okay- Oh! Oh okay! I know where we can go! I have this like, kooky, reclusive biology professor- Professor Patrick!” She turns back to the group, smiling in relief and triumph. “Yes! I’m his favourite student, ‘cause I brought him groceries once. Anyway, he has a doctorate? That’s... kinda like being a doctor, right? He could help your husband, probably! And uh- he’s got a lab in his house, and a- security. His whole house is like a panic room! He’s like a… um… what do you call a man who lives in a fortress?” She asks the group. Ro shrugs, apologising.

“A king?” Nikita smirks.

“No.” Colleen rolls her eyes. “No, he’s like a… um... a Doomsday- Survivalist! Yes! He thinks the world is ending, he’s been preparing for the last, like, 20 years for the apocalypse!”

Nikita nods in agreement. “I say we go to the panic room and we ask for the king’s help!”

Safiya nods. “Gabbie, I think the best thing for all of us, including DeStorm, would be to get to the professor.”

“Y-yeah…” Gabbie agrees shakily.

“Well lets go now, we can take the squad car!” Colleen instructs.

“Uh yeah- help me with him?” Safiya asks Ro, and the two of them lift DeStorm up and carry him to the car, whilst Gabbie is still marginally freaking out about his brain as she holds onto it, Colleen leading her safely to the car.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry if the formatting was a touch funky here, my phone wiped all the italics when I copy pasted it! I'll fix it in the morning, just really wanted to get this out now!
> 
> as always, comments are hella appreciated! see you soon 💖💖💖


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